I’ve always carried the fear of being ashamed. This fear, likely rooted in my childhood, followed me like a shadow. I used to be more hesitant to share my thoughts online, often taking back comments shortly after posting them or removing my tweets entirely, even though I had zero subscribers.
The turning point came when I reflected on my last moment of feeling ashamed. It was a challenge to recall, but I traced it back to posting my first video. I remember how I made it in a rush, posted it, and closed my laptop. I was afraid to open it - what if someone didn’t like it or left some comment that would make me feel ashamed?
Unsurprisingly, the consequences were different than I thought. I only had a few views and a couple of comments that were encouraging or related to the subject. No one cared about how bad it was. Well, of course it was bad, what could I expect first time doing something…
I didn’t fully understand the consequence of posting my first video at that moment, but the picture started to form once I started to consciously reflect on it: the dragon I’d been afraid started to get to a more manageable size. It became the size of a cat.
I burst into tears after my realization. I started to cry with big tears and heavy breathing. It was like I carried a heavy load of shame on my back and shoulders. Once the storm started to fade, I became calm. My back wasn’t tense anymore. My shoulders dropped and my breathing slowed. It felt liberating.
I had to take an extra step to overcome my fear and make sure I got along with my dragon - I had to face it daily. I set a morning reminder: “Do something that would have normally made you feel ashamed but now shouldn’t.”
I started sharing more authentic thoughts, resisting the urge to delete comments I thought were “stupid.” Sometimes I would leave stupid comments intentionally, simply because I felt I wanted to express something in that way. I became less strict with myself and this feels like the right path forward.
As they say, “Face your fears and they’ll disappear”.